


Nightmares

by ThyDeviousViolet



Series: "The Women" Universe [1]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Developing Relationship, Eventual Romance, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gap Filler, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-04-14 21:04:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4580070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThyDeviousViolet/pseuds/ThyDeviousViolet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story fills in gaps on the journey in the game. Joel and Ellie slowly start to open up to one another. And by open up, I mean Ellie wants some depth and Joel is totally unable to communicate at first because...well, he's Joel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Outskirts

__

* * *

It was their first night spent in the presence of one another.

It was also the first night that Joel had slept without Tess beside him in bed for years. As a man of sorrow, and a man who desperately hated change, this night was difficult, to say the very least.

Grief was not new to him, but he knew that it was impossible to properly grieve for someone in the world that they lived in, especially when you  _actually_  cared about them.

Survival simply would not allow it.

Therefore, when he and Ellie left Tess to  _die_  earlier today, although the pain in his gut and the lump in his throat served as a reminder of what had occurred, he knew he would never speak or think about it again.

Yet, now, as he was awakened by a small hand on his shoulder, and the cold sweat that lined across his brow, Tess was the first person to come to mind. However, when he sprang up and looked over on the makeshift bed of raggedy blankets, he found none other than a fourteen year-old girl who he had  _literally_  just met.

The disappointment of the realization killed him inside.

What also bothered him, was that he had placed his backpack between them, so as to create a barrier between them as they slept, but when he looked across the floor, he found it to be tossed across the room.  _What the hell?_

"Hey...you were talking in your sleep...again," she accused lightly, with a scowl of uncertainty on her face. It was obvious to him that she feared him a bit, but he did not blame her in the slightest. In fact, he hoped that she would stay this way, so that he could keep her at arm's length and not become too attached.

The way in which she expressed her sort of uneasy, awkward fear, however, was to try her best to get him to open up. After all, amiable behavior and an open ear could get  _her_  to open up...and yet, the man who sat before her, with a disappointed, angry look on his face, seemed offended that she had gone so far as to wake him up from his private terror. It was much too intimate for two strangers.

" _What_?" he spat after a long sigh, and did not attempt to hide his anger. The little girl before him jumped slightly at his obvious anger, and the wide eyed gaze she held as she looked into her hands was enough to prove that she was hurt. But, he did not care. Truth be told, he fully blamed Ellie for the death of his partner. If he wanted to lash out, then so be it.  _A fuckin' kid and a job I didn't even wanna take. We'll prolly be dead before we even get to Bill's town._

"You were having a nightmare...so, I just-" she stammered in defense, confused as to why he was so cold.

"Leave it  _alone_ , " he warned with an wince, and could not even find the ability to look at her.

What angered him most was that his nightmare was not about Tess being infected, or the recollection that he had heard her agonized scream as the soldiers shot her down in a hail of bullets, or even that he had not had the chance to say a proper goodbye.

Oddly enough, rather, his nightmare had been about Ellie being ripped apart by a clicker as he watched, unable to move or prevent it. The fact that he was terrorized by her safety angered him beyond his understanding. Why should he  _care_? He barely knew the kid, let alone enough to worry about her, and yet the fear of her being ruined was enough to make him sick to his stomach.

"Was it...about Te-" she began, in an desperate attempt to provide some sort of comfort for him.

"-God dammit, Ellie!" he interrupted with a yell, and she jumped, a look of embarrassment on her face. _Is this kid fuckin' stupid?_ Suddenly, his angry outburst began to guilt him, and he sighed. "What the fuck did we agree to earlier?" he demanded, as soon as his rage faded away.

"Not to talk about her," she mumbled after she let out an exasperated sigh.  _I wish he'd just ease the fuck up and let me in._  If only she had known him better, she likely would have fought him on it to force him to talk, and to stand up for herself, but unfortunately, she did not know him at all. All this uncustomary passive behavior from her was sure to continue until she felt comfortable and empowered enough to give the "big-bad-Joel" a piece of her mind.

"Then why the hell do you keep on bringin' it up?" he asked aggressively, almost dumbfounded. Ellie searched him for a moment, before an almost pitiful look painted her features.

"I always wanted someone to take the pain away from me when I'm having a nightmare. I figured maybe I could do it for you," she admitted with a shrug, clearly upset and deeply embarrassed. _I feel like some stupid little kid._

Joel's eyes went wide at this affectionate, sensitive statement, but before he could allow himself to be moved by her honest words of selflessness, he scoffed in an effort to conceal his emotion, and swallowed it hard, like a pill to be forgotten. _Kid, I don't even know you._

 _"_ We need to get some sleep," he said coldly, to ignore her statement, and turned from her as he lay down on his side.

Ellie still sat up unable to move, deep in thought, as well as in complete  _shock_ , that this man had the ability to control his emotions like that. Briefly, she wondered how much he had seen in his life to make him like this, but knew that she would never be allowed to ask, and decided to stop thinking about it all together. The sense of hurt in the pit of her stomach, however, still fluttered around in her bowels, but she pushed that thought aside as well.  _If he wants to act like this, then fuck him._

As Joel felt himself drift back to sleep, he could have almost sworn that he heard Ellie lightly mumble the words  _"Fuckin' asshole"_  under her breath, but in his dozed state, he decided to let it slide. After all, if they were expected to make good time on their way to Bill's town, he needed to be fully capable of getting them both there in one peace, and sleep deprivation was never beneficial.

 _If I can even get us there... this fuckin' kid's gonna be the death of m_ e.

* * *

_The idea for this fiction began with the way the game characterizes Ellie. Even with her AI away from the cinematics, in the beginning with Joel, it becomes so evident that she is uncomfortable with him, as to be expected._

_The fact that they go so far as to make her fidgety is always remarkable to me...(if you don't know what I'm talking about, here's an example: when Joel is almost killed by the hunter in Pittsburgh, and Ellie shoots him, only to piss Joel off in the process, look at the change of her body language when you're walking. She still doesn't know him well, and she's got all the physical signs that she's with stranger. Her arms are close to her body, and she's looking at the ground, etc._ )


	2. Bill's Town to Pittsburgh

The road to Pittsburgh went on, and on, and _on_.

Instinctively, Joel looked over to see his companion asleep against the window of the passenger seat, and emitted a sigh of relief. _Finally, fuckin' peace and quiet._

It was an absolute thrill when Ellie had finally fallen asleep next to him, while he drove the truck. No longer was he a silent victim to her consistent prattles, about anything, everything, and all the irrelevant stuff in between. It was almost remarkable to him, after all they had seen today, that she had not been overwhelmed by the darkness or the severity of their situation. The fact that she still maintained the ability to be herself, or what little that he had begun to learn about her, was a (slight) comfort.

Although he had struggled all day to admit it to himself, especially when she would not shut the hell _up_ as he drove, he knew very well that he had _almost_ been impressed with her demeanor. Even Bill had been cajoled into respecting her, and Joel found himself chuckle from their interactions. If even _Bill_ had bonded with her, in the little time that they had been together, what was Joel to face in the future with her?

 _" **You** ain't gonna make it..." _ Bill's voice rang in his ears. Before he had even started the conversation, Joel had fully understood the concept. It was true, and after years of experience, Joel knew that caring about people was an extreme liability. Especially when that person was not an adult, incapable of pure, rational thought, without life experience, or even enough size to fight off a threat.

Yet, there was something about her, hidden under the sheer optimism, and rather ignorant innocence of her personality, that was deeply caring. The fact that she had gone out of her way to follow him upstairs earlier today, in order to make a genuine apology for what had happened to Tess, somehow moved him, though he tried his best not to let her see it.

 _"You ain't gotta worry about me, Ellie."_ The same could not be said about how he worried for her, however...it was like a subtle ache in the pit of his stomach.

Today had proved to him that he indeed began to worry about her safety. There were so many close calls, and more to come, and he found himself more on edge than he had been in years, because the damn girl seemed too eager to _help_ and put herself at risk in the journey.

Hell, even Bill had suggested in the end that Joel give her a gun.  _Maybe I...no, no, ain't gonna happen._

However, Joel's thoughts were interrupted, because next to him, she stirred heavily. When he glanced over, he saw her eyes fly open, and he swallowed hard when she turned to look at him.

_Dammit, kid._

"Shit...I fell asleep, I guess. Sorry," she mumbled, and rubbed her eyes.

"I'd hoped you'd _stay_ asleep," he grumbled, and looked over severely as a warning. Instead of her reacting as he had assumed, she raised her eyebrows, and smiled.

The usual gruffness of his voice did not seem to intimidate her anymore, and he suddenly felt panicked. A subtle bond had formed between them, without his permission, like she had somehow taken control without his knowledge. 

"Nah, I don't wanna miss anything," she politely disagreed, a humorous look in her eyes, as though she knew it bothered him, but was determined to do whatever she wanted.

Joel sighed heavily, and wiped his hand over his face.

"...Why'd you wake up?" he inquired after a moment of silence, brow furrowed, as she bopped her head along to the music in the car. She stopped, however, and cast her eyes down to the floor.

"Just a bad dream. No biggie," she replied after a sigh, with a shrug. A certain sadness seemed to come over her, and Joel glanced over anxiously to get a good look at whatever had made her so uncomfortable, as though maybe he alone could deduce what had made this happy, overly-exuberant kid so down in the dumps.

Ellie felt herself consumed with thoughts about Riley. In reality, she had been having the same nightmare over and over, because she consistently relived the moment that she had shot her best friend before she turned. _I miss you..._

"You good? You, uh...you went real quiet there," he asked softly, with an intense gaze held to her, as a means to hide his actual concern. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she replied, and painfully smiled at him, but he frowned. _Please, don't ask me about it, Joel._

Something about Riley felt sacred, like she was not yet ready to share it, although she was usually an open book. Joel knew very well that she was far from _fine_ , but could tell that she was obviously in no way ready to have a conversation about whatever had bothered her, and so he desperately wanted to leave the subject alone.

After all, he never liked to be prodded when he did not want to share.

They drove together in silence for a long time.

Although Joel usually liked the quiet, he felt disturbed, like somehow it was his fault that she had been forced to think about whatever had made her so sad. She could feel his cautious stare on the side of her face every once in a while, like he worried for whatever went on in her mind, and yet she was almost moved that he refused to press the issue any further. _He gets it...he gets **me**._

Suddenly, the song changed, and Joel felt the corners of his lips turn into what was _almost_ a smile.

"I, uh...this song...reminds me of the good-ole days," he said, with a nod as he remembered, and Ellie turned to look at him, still distracted, but almost flabbergasted that he had initiated a conversation. 

"I thought you said this was before your time?" she questioned, somewhat interested, but still not quite in the moment. Joel turned to look at her, and when he saw a hint of interest, decided to continue.

"It _was_ , but it used to come on all the time when me and my buddies would go bowlin'," he reminisced. 

"What's that?" she asked, now involved, eyebrows furrowed, and Joel almost felt himself smile in response. _God damn, kid, you were scarin' me._

"Bowlin'?" he asked, simply to urge her forward. _Come on... take the bait and play along_.

"No, dumb ass," she spat, before she continued. "Of course, I meant bowling! What _is_ it?" she replied, sarcasm thick, but deeply interested. 

"Well, you have a big ball, and the goal is to roll it down this little, wooden track to hit the pins at the end," he explained, and realized how dumb it would sound. In response, it had garnered a laugh from Ellie.

"Jeez, that's the lamest thing I've ever heard!" she accused, with a cute little scrunch of her nose and a hearty, deep laugh. Joel chuckled in response, and was soon surprised at himself, almost unaware that he could still do that kind of thing.

"Yeah, I guess it was," he replied.

" _You_ really used to play that shit?" she asked in disbelief.

Joel simply nodded. _I wasn't always this way..._

They both sort of glowed in the moment, unsure of where to go next in the conversation. The uncharacteristic openness that he had just expressed excited Ellie, and she felt that perhaps she had made a friend out of mean-old-Joel. Then, however, it dawned on her that he had done it simply to take her mind away from her sadness.

It was a nice, gentle, thoughtful action... suddenly, her smile widened. _We're making progress, Joel._ In the passenger seat, she gleamed at him, and he glanced over in response, frown on his face again.

"What _now_?" he groaned, as it was the kind of response she was accustomed to, but _this_ time, it was actually to hide his satisfaction: he was thrilled that she was back to normal.

" _You_ were being _nice_ to me..." she accused, eyes narrowed, and a devious smile across her face.

" _Psst_ , excuse me?" he huffed, and looked very annoyed with the way that his face was scrunched, but she now understood that it was all an act.

A hardcore survivor's act to do his best to avoid becoming attached to someone.

"Nothing, nothing..." she denied. "... But, Joel...? Thanks," she added, fully aware that she did not have to explain, as he was a man of few words, who knew that actions meant everything.

He raised an eyebrow in response, and shook his head in disregard to play dumb, but internally, felt a sense of warmth blossom inside him. _You're welcome, kiddo._

"Joel...?" she added softly.

" _What_?" he groaned.

"Are we there yet?" she taunted, and he released the breath he had been holding, before he rolled his eyes.

" _No_ , dammit, stop askin'!" he replied, voice gruff.

The remainder of the car ride was spent with Ellie rambling aimlessly, yet again, and even though he was close to being annoyed, he refused to take her constant chatter for granted again. Eventually, she fell asleep once more, but this time it was a peaceful doze, free of nightmares or painful memories.

 


	3. Pittsburgh

Sleep would not find Joel, at  _all_.

But while he sat up on the blankets, deep in his own mind, with Ellie by his side, he was jarred from his thoughts when she began to thrash about wildly. A little fist thumped against his chest, and the edge of her nail caught against the skin of his arm. The wild fail of her arms continued.  _Ow, shit!_

At first, his reaction was almost angry, but soon he realized that she was distressed. Firmly, he gripped her arms to her side, and gently nudged her to wake up without one of them being hurt in the process. Soon, her wild eyes flew open. Out of breath, they both looked at each other in confusion, before Joel saw the absolute fear in her eyes.

"Hey, kiddo... _hey_..." he urged slightly, and shook her shoulder just enough to wake her fully, before the invisible wall was between them again. Ellie laid there in silence for a minute, unsure of what to say. Joel's eyes were fierce upon her, as if to demand that she explain...as though he alone could will her to talk.

" _Shit_ , I'm sorry," she replied, after she took a moment to regain full consciousness, embarrassed that she had expressed this weak sort of reaction just when Joel had begun to trust her enough to give her a gun. There was an extended silence, as Joel considered the probable cause of her distress, and though he did not know for sure, he did have a good guess.

"You did real good today...I mean it," he led in, in an attempt to soothe her ego, though it was absolutely truthful. In fact, he was incredibly proud of everything she had done on their journey, but feared that he was in the process of watching her undergo a complete metamorphosis where her innocence was at risk, and wanted to provide some sort of positive reinforcement.  _I can't let her lose herself..._

"I  _told_  you I was capable," she replied, a bit snappy, in defense of herself.  _I'm not some weak, punk-ass kid Joel._

It confirmed to Joel that his assumption about the subject of her nightmare was correct.  _Poor thing...this is my fault._

It had been different today, after he had complimented her when she had used the hunting rifle, because he had been forced to see her as an equal. The act of him giving her a gun was almost a peace offering, but it also symbolized the growth of the trust he had in her, which was poignant, because he absolutely trusted no one. Yet, now, in the aftermath of her nightmare, as the memory of the first shot she had ever taken flooded back into her conscious mind, she was haunted to the core.

What was worse, was that she knew Joel saw her as a child again.

A scared, pitiful child.

It was frustrating to come this far, and then be reduced to such insignificance again.

It did not make sense to her, as the man she had killed was an insignificant asshole who deserved to die, especially since he dared take on Joel, and yet, she could not deny that for some reason, she subconsciously felt it was traumatic. Perhaps, she had learned from Joel that the sort of weakness she felt was inappropriate because it was a complete deterrent, and in return she had avoided dealing with it all day. At night, when her mind held less defenses, the memory crept up on her again.

"I know, I just...it's...it's okay for you to feel...upset..." he began, and sputtered about because he himself did not want to consider that he had been forced to not only rely on a fourteen-year-old girl, but that he had essentially brought this psychological unrest upon her mind.

"Joel, I'm  _not_  fucking upset!" she defended, terse and annoyed.

"Well you sure as hell ain't  _fine_ ," he accused with a growl, brow furrowed and arms crossed, almost as though he was angry because he wanted to comfort her, but lacked the ability to do it in a way that was customary. Warmth was not his strong-suit, which both of them knew, but the fact that he was trying so hard anyway comforted her in a way beyond anything that he could ever know.

Previously, he would have left her alone, but now, he demanded that she allow him to make it better.  _Let me in, kiddo._

Earlier today, this sort of emotion bubbled under the surface, but he never allowed himself to think during the day. Rather, he allowed himself to think at night, when weakness was acceptable. If he had not been so careless, she would not have had to go out of her way to kill the bastard who attacked him when he emerged from the hotel basement.

If she had not taken the shot, he would not have given her the rifle to help clear the area when they had been trapped further down the line, but since she begged him to help, as well as gotten the hard part of her first kill out of the way, he felt like he owed to her to give her what she wanted.

And, truth be told, he was incredibly impressed.

Suddenly, he felt a responsibility to her, larger than the fact that it was his job to escort her to the Fireflies, and realized that it had now become personal.  _Fuck me...how did this happen?_

It terrified him, and yet he could not help but get attached in a way that was not only because she was a little girl, but because she had very blatantly amazed him with her strength and stubbornness. Joel was utterly forced to respect her, and felt a subtle bond of something that extended past friendship, but was not yet familial, between them.

"I don't regret killing him. It needed to happen...now I know what it's like," she said with a shrug, more like she wanted to say it out loud for his benefit. Joel sighed deeply, and placed his hand to the back of his neck.

"I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm puttin' too much on ya..." he mused out loud, deep in his own thoughts.

"Joel, you're  _not_! We need to depend on each other. Besides, I'm  _not upset_ ," she grumbled, somewhat annoyed due to his constant worry, and they looked into one another deeply.

"I just had to wake you up because you were damn near beatin' the hell outta me in your sleep, and you wanna tell me you're not  _upset_?" he accused with a scoff.

"Earlier today, I was...I almost puked on your  _shoes_ , to be honest...but, it wore off quick! I'm  _fine now_ ," she admitted, with a soft chuckle early in her statement, before she became serious again.

"You act like I don't know...I saw your face, kiddo. Went pale as hell," he taunted honestly.

"Yeah...I was pretty shaken up. But, that isn't okay, and I learned that from you. So, I pushed the thought aside and kept going," she explained with a shrug. Guilt flooded his conscience.

 _"_ What ain't okay?" he asked, in an urge for her to elaborate.

"To be weak...it's a risk, and we're survivors, right?" she asked, more for his approval than anything, and he sighed again.  _You're perfect just the way you are..._

"Ellie it's...it's a fine line to walk. I don't want you thinkin' you have to...act a certain way 'round me. Don't...don't sacrifice yourself..." he sputtered.

"I mean...?" she started, somewhat lost, and trailed off.

"Do you... understand what I'm tryin' to say? I'm sorry, kiddo, I ain't too good with words," he admitted, and she smiled softly.

"Trust me, I  _know_ ," she urged.

"Okay, then," he rushed, almost in a choke, like he was so consumed that he no longer had the capacity to speak on it.  _Guess that's the end of that, huh Joel?_

For a moment he thought she had fallen asleep, because she had laid back down, but then, he heard her sigh.

"Were you upset after your first kill?" she asked in a whisper, though bold.  _Maybe if he doesn't want to answer, he can just act like he didn't hear me._

Joel turned his head her way, and laid down next to her, after a moment of debate with himself.

"Yeah...I was...but, I was pretty distracted that night. It was chaos..." he thought out-loud.

"Was it the night of the outbreak? For you, I mean," she asked, now intrigued, and turned her body toward him, curled with her knees to her chest.

"...Yeah," he mumbled, chest heavy as he recalled everything. _That certainly wasn't the worst part about that night..._

"Were you upset?" she pushed.

"Hmm," he cleared his throat, as a means to express his discomfort, though it was more from the memory of Sarah than the fact that he had shot his neighbor Jimmy.  _Okay, enough...too much._

 _"_ Ohh-kay then, I get it," she said, fully respectful of his feelings. He threw a look of gratitude her way, before he cleared his throat again.

"You good to get some rest? Gotta long day tomorrow, and I need you wide-awake since I'm gonna start relyin' on you more to watch my back..." he suggested, and she thought to herself.

"You really mean that? Do you...do you really trust me enough?" she asked, deep again, and he raised his eyebrows.

"I reckon I do...I'm serious," he added, for extra emphasis. A warm sensation tingled in his chest at the truth of his words. _Damn, girl, what are you doin' to me, here?_

" _Damn_...all right then. That...that means a lot, Joel," she stated, clearly flattered, and she turned on her other side, away from him, to fall asleep.

"You saved my ass today, and I won't forget it. Bout' time I treated you like you deserve," he mumbled, very softly, but she had heard it all.  _I won't let you down...ever._

"Goodnight, Joel..." she said, quietly over her shoulder. A part of her worried, like perhaps she had gone too far and made him uncomfortable.

"Uh...G'night, kiddo, sleep tight," he said, after his breath had very literally caught in his throat, but he was positive that he felt good having said the words.


	4. The Suburbs

All the events of the previous morning haunted both of them to their core...

Ellie did not try to hide the unsettled, shocking feeling of losing their latest partners, and had done her best to say a few respectful words once she and Joel had effectively dug a large hole in the ground. It had been made so that Henry and Sam could at least be together again, even if it was in death. Of course, that kind of hopeful ideology had its origins in Ellie's words, not Joel's, and he simply dug the grave as a means to offer Ellie some kind of peace of mind.

Though he  _was_  shaken, Joel was not upset.

Rather, Joel tried his best to insist to Ellie all day afterwords, that death had no rhyme or reason and it was unfair, just like the world they lived in. In the last 12 hours, he could not remember how many times he had almost yelled at her, in complete exasperation, not because she had annoyed him, but because her need to find meaning in everything was sure to break her heart.

Ultimately, he wanted to prevent that to the best of his abilities.

_"Ellie, I ain't talkin' about this anymore..." he warned, dangerous, with Henry's blood still caked on his hands as they traveled onward._

_"Joel, don't you **feel**  anything!?" she asked, high-pitched from her distress, as though she looked for some sort of soul that he did not think existed inside him._

_" **No** , dammit! And if you wanna make it to the Fireflies fuckin' alive, you'll do the same!" he yelled, and when she did not respond, he looked over a bit more softly, to see that she had been damaged by his words. Whether she knew or not that he was now angry for her personal well-being, instead of his own, he was not sure. As they walked, with her downtrodden footsteps evident behind him, he sighed in the silence._

_"Yes...you fucking do. Even though you pretend...I see through you. I just don't know why **I**  can't be honest about  **my**  feelings," she finally mumbled, fully against him, and her stubborn resilience to his apathetic attitude very nearly gave him hope for humanity, for the first time in years.  
_

_But, Joel simply scoffed in response._

_That was the last conversation that they had on the subject._

With a loud grunt, Joel's eyes flew open, before he wiped his hand across his brow.

In his mind, he recalled the heavy weight of both brothers in his arms, before he had dumped them into the soil forever. Henry's blood had nearly ruined his shirt, though Sam had bled less simply because he had lost some of his human quality before he had been shot. Joel thought back further...he knew unfortunately that Sam needed to be put down, but truth be told he had formed a bond with Henry, and desperately wanted to save him. Though, when he had tried to take the gun away, Henry reacted in a way that Joel almost found admirable.

Henry had gone out fighting, in a way that he thought was sacred to his brother's memory.

After all, Joel could not blame him.

There was a certain, horrified look on Henry's face even in death...the look of shame and guilt... that nearly choked Joel when he had carried him to the grave. The pain Henry must have felt resonated with Joel...he knew what it felt like to feel as though someone had died on his own accord.

To have utterly failed someone who depended on you for protection...

Then, the idea of Sarah left his mind, when he realized that he and Ellie could very possibly share the same fate soon.

How much innocent blood on his hands would be enough?

Then, of course, in the aftermath, the first thing he recalled was when he turned to see Ellie's expression. It was almost disbelief, like she refused to believe it simply because it did not make sense to her, but then, when the sadness set in, he felt  _worse_  for her sake.

"Your thoughts are keeping me awake, Joel," Ellie taunted, next to him, and Joel released the breath that he had been holding.

"Sorry, kiddo," he simply mumbled, though she could feel the weight of his apology in the words.  _I know, Joel. You're sorry for everything._

"You know...you like, aren't alone. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders...I mean, you have me now, so...doesn't that count for something?" she tried to reason, as best she could to soothe him, although he had been adamant in the fact that he had not felt anything. Joel sighed heavily, deep in thought, and jaw tensed.

"I, uh...I know, Ellie," he finally responded, and her heart almost pumped out of her chest at his revelation.

"Okay...I just, thought you might want a friendly reminder," she replied, voice full of light.

"I appreciate it," he mumbled softly. "Really, I do..." he added after a moment, and she paused, surprised at him.  _Wow, Joel...we're gettin' somewhere._

"Do you...wanna talk about it-"

"-No!  _No_ , I  _don't_! And it's for  _your_  sake rather than  _mine_. Why don't you understand that?" he pressed, jaw tightened, as though if he issued the sensitive statement with aggression, it could hide the fact that he felt like mush inside his chest.

"I  _do_ , Joel! But...but what about you? Who's there to take care of you? I can take care of myself, just like you can. You don't have to worry so much..." she grumbled, though he felt her words stir something in his heart again.  _Fuck, Ellie, stop this shit._

"I'm  _always_   _gonna_   _worry_. You've seen enough out there to know why," he gestured toward the outside world, and she sighed, before she nodded reluctantly. For the first time, something clicked inside Ellie's mind.  _But...you're not...you're not my Dad._

"And, I don't need  _anyone_  to take of me, Ellie, we done been over this a million times," he added, in a harsh tone.

"Everyone needs someone, Joel, even you. You can deny it all you want, but I don't believe it," she disagreed, arms crossed against her chest.

For some reason, she very closely resembled a stereotypical teenage girl in that moment, and the recollection almost caused a smile to form on Joel's face at her expense.

"Ellie, are you...are you pouting?" he questioned, nose scrunched, almost humored by her expression.

" _Really_? You're gonna say that when I'm trying to be serious?" she deadpanned, with a roll of her eyes.

"Maybe that's the problem. Maybe you're too serious..." he taunted, and shrugged.

"That hurts, coming from the emotional fucking cripple who never even smiles," she shot back, and Joel actually laughed out loud.

"Damn...can't deny that, though," he mused through his chuckles.

"Why do you try to sidetrack me when I try to talk about something that you're uncomfortable with?" she asked, serious again, and he sighed.

"I dunno," he simple replied, head hung low again.

"I don't like feeling like this...feeling...insignificant... like, nothing I say or feel matters. I mean, that's how you make me feel sometimes..." she began.

"Ellie-" he started to protest, head cocked to the side in a warning, while his eyes focused to the hardened skin of his calloused hands.

"-Joel, fucking look at me!" she demanded, and, in the moment that she would never forget, he obeyed, and looked up at her with an agonized expression of hurt and sensitivity that it took her breath away. "That's more like it..." she added, breathless.  _Holy shit._

"What do you wanna talk about?" he asked, eyes dark, and voice nothing short of a whisper. Something about her commanded respect, and he admired her deeply for it.

"I wanna talk about Sam and Henry, Joel...I...I wanna talk about it. And...I want  _you_  to talk with me," she asked slowly, almost like a plea, and her thirst for a more intimate relationship with him would have scared him off normally, but now, he found that he no longer had the strength to deny her will.

Joel swallowed hard, and with a quick nod forward, looked into her eyes, and damn near through her soul.

"Let's talk about it.  _Once_... and then never again. I  _mean_  it, okay?" he began as a stipulation, eyes dark, but she saw through it, and realized that her plea for more from him had been met with the utmost sensitivity that he was presently able to give.

_I'm impressed, Joel...thank you. I appreciate this more than you'll ever know, old man._

Ellie kept all of that inside, however, and simply nodded, while she began to think of where she should start.

_Girl's got me breakin' all my god damned rules._


	5. Tommy's Dam to the University

 

_You ain't my daughter, and I sure as hell ain't your Dad. Now, we are goin' our separate ways..."_

Ellie's stomach twisted in agony when she woke up, as she recalled the rather intense argument that had almost ended their partnership today.

There was something in his eyes, like he had been set on fire, that she regretted having forced on him against his will. _Note to self...never mention Sarah again. I'm so fucking sorry, Joel._

Without a shadow of doubt, she had been positive that Joel was dead-set to leave her with his brother, as a means to protect himself from a slew of emotional and possible physical complications that could arise from escorting her alone. The entire horse ride had been spent with Tommy awkwardly leading the two of them, while both would steal a glance at each other from under their brow's when the other was not looking.

Ellie recalled the faintest sensation that she would never be allowed to truly give Joel a piece of her mind, in regard to her actual opinion of him. If they had ended on such a nasty note, she could never show him how much she respected and had come to care about him. After all they had been through together, it would have all been for nothing...

The moment she caught the sly look of a plan in his eyes, when he had made such an impulsive decision to take back all the wrong they had done to each other, to finish what they had started together, was a recollection that still gave her chills. Even Tommy had been beyond shocked at his change of heart.

Effortlessly, he had changed her life as though it was nothing. Perhaps, she could be as bold to suggest that she had changed his, too.

"Joel?" she beckoned, and brought him from one of the most peaceful sleeps that he had gotten in years.

Confusion and frustration evident, Joel frowned as he woke up, but quickly reached for his gun when he remembered that they were in unfamiliar territory in the middle of a log cabin in the woods.

"Jeez, Joel, no need to blow someone's head off. It's just me," she deadpanned, hands up in surrender.

"Ellie, what the fuck?" he demanded, and she squirmed next to him.

"I, um...I couldn't sleep," she admitted sheepishly, and he scoffed, before he sat up seriously.

"Bad dream?" he led in, his care evident, and she nodded. _This time it was almost a reality, Joel._

"Yeah, you know..." she began, and started to play with her fingers.

"I hope to _God_ you didn't just wake me up for some damn small talk, Ellie, so if you've got somethin' to say, I'm gonna need you to say it," he explained, voice gruff, though she could see that he was willing to play along.

"Don't act like you aren't the least bit curious, Joel..." she challenged, nose scrunched, and he allowed himself to chuckle.

"What is it, girl?" he questioned.

"You know...I thought we were over today. Like, I really thought you might leave me," she began, unsure, and Joel felt his nerves bundle inside his stomach.

"Yeah, I, uh, I thought so too, for a second," he admitted, almost ashamed.

"Well, I just wanna say I'm sorry, for...walking on thin ice," she spoke in allusion, and he took in a deep breath, though her respectful manner did not go unnoticed.

"Listen, I said some things that were a little harsh, and I'm sorry too," he said, sorrow genuine, and she smiled.

"I think...for one of the few times in my life, I thought I might really be alone," she led in, a deeper undertone in her voice.

"Ellie, I got scared and selfish, and if you don't know that about me already, you're gonna figure it out," he began, and she frowned.

"I don't think I'd go so far as to call you _selfish_ ," she mumbled.

"Listen, Ellie, you and I are in new territory now..." he began, and she thought deeply.

"I know, I've obviously never been this far west before. Have you?" she almost got sidetracked, and Joel sighed.

"No, that...that ain't what I meant. What I _meant_ , was that...you and I...we're gettin'-"

"-closer? You and I..." she finished his sentence, and he nodded.

"Yeah, and there's a lot more we're gonna learn about each other in the process," he explained, and then stopped, when he realized that he was effectively planning on the remainder of his future with this little girl.

Literally, the rest of his entire life would be spent by her side, if things went to plan, which was astronomical for him to consider. Joel never planned for the long-term future as a general rule, but here he was, making a risky, emotional investment on a fourteen year-old girl who could still fall victim on the journey.

"That's to be expected, right?" she asked, not fully understanding why this was so hard for him after all this time.

" _Yes_...I just...you know that this is a big deal for me, right? Especially since you know everything now?" he prompted, eyes squinted from his own embarrassment at the open nature of the conversation.

"Oh," she simply said, with a mind that raced. Joel almost smiled at the fact that she was finally taking everything seriously.

"All right, just wanted to make sure you understood," he mumbled, and she looked into him.

"Joel, you're not gonna, just, get tired of me one day and leave me behind, are you? Cause', I mean, I want to know I don't have to worry about that anymore..." she stumbled about, and suddenly a sort of conviction appeared in his eyes,

"I ain't ever leavin' ya...I reckon I can say that now for sure," he said, almost as though he was scared. After all, nothing had happened between them to prove this for sure, but the urge to say the words out loud, after he had treated her so badly, overpowered his anxiety.

"That's my worst fear... did you know that? Being alone," she mentioned, and Joel swallowed hard.

"No, Ellie...I, uh, I didn't know that," he mumbled. _Way to make me feel like shit, kiddo._

"So, you gotta understand that this is a big deal for me too, okay?" she tried to explain, but became breathless and overcome with emotion. Joel cleared his throat, and then faced her directly.

"I do now...well, especially now. Don't think I can tell you enough how sorry I actually am, and I hope you can tell that I mean that," he added, and searched her face to make sure, but she nodded with genuine intent.

_"_ Okay," she replied, very solemn and deep in thought.

It was true today, that rage and fear had gotten the best of him, and for a moment he wanted noting more than to be rid of her so that he could simply save his own ass, and go on with his new life. Yet, there was something so profound in her eyes...those downcast, guilty, fearful eyes, that mirrored his own. Toward the end of their horse rid, he had gotten lucky enough to make eye contact with her, before she quickly looked away, but that was all he had needed.

Then and there, it was evident to him that he would never leave her...in fact, he was not sure that he could. The look of absolute optimism in her eyes when he had told her to give the horse back to Tommy was the happiest moment he could recall since...well, since the world had gone to shit.

That look alone was exactly what he had needed to prove that it was all worth it.

"Oh, and Ellie?" he prompted after the silence, and cleared his throat to get rid of the fuzzy, heaviness that choked him.

"Yeah, Joel?" she asked, knot in her stomach.

"I care about ya more than I probably should, and more than you'll probably ever know..." he mumbled, defenses totally weakened.

"...I feel the same way, old man," she teased, but it was to attempt to hide the tears that pricked at her eyes.

"Figured I oughta tell you that since I'm already feelin' warm and fuzzy, with me bein' an _emotional fucking cripple_ and all," he chuckled as he restated her claim against him.

Little did Ellie know, that the only reason Joel ended on a humorous note, was to subdue a similar wave of emotion that had just overcome his being.

_Am I fuckin' crying tears of joy?_


	6. The Lakeside Resort

 

Joel had found that the best medicine for Ellie's pain, both physically and mentally, was to rub her back softly before she went to sleep at night. During the day, she seemed to fear any sort of touch or socialization, not that he blamed her, but for some reason during the night, she seemed to rely on him to make it all better.

It hurt her, to depend on him like that, as she knew very well that he was the only one who could even come close to making her feel human again.

It hurt him more, however, as he did not think he was doing enough, but knew that what little he could provide, seemed to take at least some of her pain away, and so he was thankful.

Accident.

_Winter._

**_Solitude._ **

_**David.** _

All of these things combined had somehow mangled the young, vibrant girl he once knew, into a bitter, disconnected young woman who had seen too much, too soon.

Just the other day, she had finally revealed the bastard's name who had caused all this pain.

That had been all, though, just a name. Joel was left none the wiser to all that had happened, and though he was curious with a faint idea that filled in the blanks, he debated back and forth if it was worth it to try and get her to talk about it.

They had never _talked_ about it prior because she was so shaken, and they had to get to safety as the number one priority when the building had burned down. They had been in this house, about an hour or so outside the cannibal community, ever since. Joel was not sure how long they would remain here without traveling, but knew to demand anything from Ellie for this delicate time would be too much.

For the first time, the fatherly instinct kicked in, and Joel effectively recalled the human notion inside him to comfort another person. He had never been the type to coddle...and yet there he was, Ellie in arms as she sobbed uncontrollably, with the sway of his rocking motion the only thing that held them together.

What scared him most was that over time these past few days, it was not a cry of sadness or fear, but rather, an inconsistent heaving of shaky breaths in her chest that was from the shock of the trauma alone.

Joel could sense that Ellie did not know what to feel, if she felt anything at all, other than the darkness that seemed to asphyxiate all the life that was once inside her being. Truth be told, Joel was almost an emotional surrogate for Ellie, while he also served as caretaker in her delicate state, and although she could not tell, he felt all her pain and more in her sadness.

He had admittedly cried right along side her the first night after the...incident...and damn near all the nights after she had fallen asleep in his arms, as he desperately tried to fabricate a plan to get her back. Desperately, he tried to hide how emotionally broken he was from her state alone, as grief was not new to him and he was accustomed to ignoring the things that bothered him, but he could not avoid this situation at all.

These emotional breakdowns of her's happened at random times during the day, and every night.

Joel was lost, unsure of how to make anything better, other than to remind her to eat now and again, and soothe her whenever the nightmares would come.

Suddenly, it was not like he was a father again, but rather, had loved something so beyond himself and survival that he knew he would risk it all. Love was powerful, and for that precise reason Joel had never allowed himself to feel like this, and yet here he was doing exactly that. It had been years since he felt empathy...and even longer since he had felt sympathy, but this phenomenal person in his arms at the moment had done her damnedest to keep him alive. _I fuckin' owe her everything. She doesn't deserve this shit..._

Ellie had protected him to the best of her ability, and now he would never allow her to go a day without feeling as though his affection was not toward her alone. No...they were together forever, now, it had been proven, and despite how unfortunate it was, the pain in his chest made him swear that he would show her, from now on, the real Joel...the Joel that had not existed for twenty years.

The Joel that had miraculously been _reborn_ earlier in the week.

On queue, Ellie squirmed in his arms, drenched in pale beads of sweat, before she opened her eyes. _Shit, Ellie..._

As she stared back at him, Joel waited expectantly, before an uncomfortable expression painted her face, and she sat up and placed her hand to her mouth.

"Hey, hey..." Joel soothed, hand rubbing small circles on her back, as he grabbed a small basin that was next to the couch. This rather explicit, grotesque symptom of her stress and nightmares was a new one, but he had quickly become accustomed to it nevertheless.

Tears pricked her eyes, and she retched slightly as she bent over, before she was sick. Joel winced, hand clasped full of her hair, unable to make anything better as usual, and watched her carefully from above until she had seemed to stop.

"You good, now?" he asked with hesitation, and she nodded, eyes downcast. Soon, the tears piled in her eyes again, and he paused.

"Ellie..." he began, but she shook her head violently.

"I'm fine, I'm just fucking embarrassed is all. I'm sorry, Joel, that's...disgusting," she struggled to say, and motioned to the basin.

"No, it ain't. And don't you worry about me. Stop bein' ashamed of yourself, you got enough to worry about," he scolded, more out of affection than from actual annoyance. She simply sighed in response, and placed her head in her hands.

"My head's fucking killing me Joel," she mumbled pathetically.

"I know, I'm sorry. Think you can stomach some food? You ain't eaten nearly enough," he mumbled, deeply concerned, and she winced.

"I'd rather not," she complained.

"Oh, okay...just..." he mumbled at a loss.

Joel struggled to keep her in her comfort level, but also at the same time do what was best for her. Ellie noticed this, rolled her eyes, and then got up from the couch to grab a can of beans from the kitchen. He sighed to himself, bothered by her mood swings, but ignored it for the moment. _At least she's eatin'._

He watched her like a hawk, as she opened the can, and when she walked back to sit next to him on the couch, some emotion seemed to bubble under the surface of her exterior. Joel debated to himself if it was a proper time to ask her about what all had happened, as it was evident to him that her silence on the matter was not making anything better for her mental or emotional state. Then again, who was he to demand anything from her? But...if it was for her well being, perhaps that made everything different.

The silenced between them lasted for a long time, before he felt himself crack.

"Ellie, please tell me. I _need_ to _know_ ," he nearly begged, voice dark, and there seemed to be nothing behind her eyes while he searched her face. She never answered, rather she toyed with the can of beans in her hand, and Joel cleared his throat out of annoyance. Not because she was distant, as he knew it was not her fault, but rather that he had no idea at how to bring her back to life again.

"Ellie..." he called again in exasperation, just inches from her, the pain in his voice evident, and her head snapped up to look at him finally.

"...Need to know what?" she mumbled, completely distant, and fumbled with her fingers.

In an effort to make things better, Joel extended a hand to gently cup her face and turn her chin upward, but she flinched immediately from his attempt at contact. It happened almost mechanically, very cold and unfeeling, and Joel felt his face pale before he swallowed hard. It hurt him more than he could even believe, and the absolute distrust and loss of innocence that she currently exhibited made him feel sick. _I'd never hurt you...don't...don't be afraid_ _ **.**_

"God damn, what have they done to you?" he whispered out of sheer pity, and felt tears sting at his eyes.

"Nothing...he just...he tried..." she stumbled, before she took in a deep breath to keep from crying. Joel gritted his teeth in response to the revelation that he had so desperately hoped was false the first time she had accused it, and stood up quickly with his arms crossed.

"Fuckin' son of a bitch," Joel nearly yelled with a clenched jaw, and began to pace the kitchen, as he slammed the cans into the cabinets, to occupy his hands and his escalated frustrations.

"Joel...calm down. I'm sorry, I just...I don't want to talk about it," she merely croaked, almost soft enough to be a whimper, and with his back to her, Joel bent his head and gripped the edge of the sink. _Looks like the whole fucking world's on his shoulders...none of this is your fault, Joel._ He sucked in a large breath, and then turned around slowly.

"No, no... _I'm_ sorry," he mumbled, but when he looked to her again, he saw her arms shake. _God damn, I fuckin' scared her again. You gotta be more fuckin' careful, she's damn near 'bout to fall apart._

_"_ Ellie _,_ honey..." he cooed as he reprimanded himself, voice suddenly soft like velvet, and moved near her quickly, before he slowly got down on his knees in front of her. The word usage came out naturally, yet he had not noticed, but she certainly did, and something about how hard he had tried to make things better, while things were far out of his control, moved her deeply.

"Please don't...don't treat me like I'm fragile. I wanna be whole again. It'll take some time, I think," she mumbled, though it was mostly to herself. Joel looked into her eyes deeply, and then raised his hand slowly, as if to ask permission. When she did not flinch, he placed his palm against her cheek, and she nestled into the touch and closed her eyes.

"I'm gonna get you better, you hear? Don't care how long it takes," he swore, and swallowed hard.

Something in her seemed exhausted, and she merely nodded, before she stood slowly. Joel stood slowly in response, and placed an arm out to steady her balance. For a moment, she attempted to walk, but sighed, and when she looked to Joel with uncertainty, he smiled painfully, and picked her up in his arms.

While he carried her into the bedroom upstairs, with her head tucked into his neck, he felt the warmth and wetness of her silent tears.

"You're okay... I've gotcha," he reassured meekly as he lay her against his chest, and repeated a similar combination of comforting statements until he had effectively gotten her to sleep again for the night.

_Please come back to me._


	7. Bus Depot

The routine between them had changed again, and though somewhat less dramatic, the lack of emotion actually frightened Joel more than anything. Though the routine of her being sick amidst her trauma had ceased, the new routine was much worse. Ellie was a shell: hollow, unfeeling, and distant no matter the situation.

Long ago, when they first met, he had wished for peace and quiet, but now he found himself sick at his stomach with regret. That never ending chatter that he had grown accustomed to had ceased for over a month now. Silence frightened him for her wellbeing...she'd always hated silence, and now it was like she was so distant that she did not realize she hadn't initiated conversation for days.Once upon a time, this little girl held a spirit that lifted him out of his own darkness, and distracted him from the demons that had lingered around him for the past twenty years.

Yet, now, Joel found that their roles had been switched entirely. Truth be told, now they they were both damaged, it was like the blind leading the blind. Who was he to force her to get better when he himself had been emotionally unavailable for most of his life?

_Let her do this on her own..._

Expectantly he waited in the darkness, for the dreaded sound of her breath catching in her throat as she muffled a scream, and felt her jolt awake.

He refused to break the silence until he felt her relax next to him, for fear that he may frighten her if he pushed too much without her permission. It was almost like cornering a wild animal to even initiate a connection with her these days, but he worried that if he didn't do it, she may be lost forever.

When she sighed and eased down next to him again, he hesitantly placed his hand next to her with teeth gritted in the dark, and much to his relief, she slowly but surely placed hers next to him. The warm, tingle of their heat next to each other soothed both of them. It was all that he had not to sigh and express his appreciative reassurance that he at least got to keep a tiny part of her for another day. If she ever grew to stop this practice as well, it would break his heart beyond repair. He refused to do anything without her permission, and so if the day came that he no longer felt he was wanted, they might never have a relationship again. Yes, they would survive together in silence, but the companionship would be ruined for good.

Joel blinked to take the sting of what was almost tears in his eyes, before he swallowed hard.

"I uh...I remember when I was about your ago, kiddo..." he started, voice gravelly, and cleared his throat.

This new routine had developed a week or so ago: she had gone so quiet, for so long, that Joel had resorted to talking to fill the silence. Often it was just him talking to himself, but sometimes he found that she would nod or blink in response, and it was good enough for him. He was so unaccustomed to irrelevant chatter, and had never been outgoing in his life, but found that his need to engage with Ellie was far more important. Maybe if he made her feel more comfortable than ever before, she would feel some sense of calm. Maybe it would remind her of what it was to be back to normal, and could will her to recovery. Normalcy was far away, but if he pretended long enough, maybe the lie would become real. If he shared moments of his past life, she would no doubt feel closer to him.

_Right?_

After all, she had always wanted more from him, but now that he was willing to share, it may have been too late.

"I'm sayin' this 'cause I reckon it's 'bout February right now...there's a...a holiday we used to celebrate before. It was called Valentine's Day. A lot of bullshit over one day, if ya ask me, but I'll be damned if I didn't get sucked right up into it a few times. When I was 'bout fifteen or so, my first year of high school, I thought I'd met the most beautiful girl in the world. Man...I'd got all caught up in her...way I'd looked at her was like I'd...I'd never seen the sun before. Anyway...you were supposed to buy gifts-"

"-what was her name?" Ellie mumbled, voice hoarse. Joel's head almost snapped over to look at her in shock, and his heart almost raced, but he just smiled softly.

"Vera..." he recalled fondly, and swallowed hard again.

He waited for another response, but failed to receive one, and so he thought to continue.

"I, uh...spent all my savings on gettin' her a pair of diamond earrings. Imagine a big ole' country boy buyin' pretty things for a girl way out of his league...we weren't even together, but I knew I had to have her. Didn't have a cent to my name after I got her those...I'm not sure she even knew how much I'd sacrificed to buy em' for her. Momma needed my help to raise Tommy even though I was still just a boy, cause' Daddy wasn't around too much. I was working on the neighbor's farm at the time..."

"Did she like them?" Ellie asked softly, caught up in his past love interest.

"Oh yeah...she was all about them pretty, material things...but, I'll never forget the way her eyes lit up when she opened that little box from me. I'd never even really talked to her before...always was kinda quiet and standoffish," he chuckled to himself.

"So, she liked you back?" she asked, a bit more interested.

"Yeah, she liked me back all right. We were together after that...damn near inseparable. I think she liked me 'cause I was so different from her...I wasn't what she had expected for herself..." he thought back with bittersweet recollection.

"What happened?" she asked subtly.

"Got her pregnant about two years later," he deadpanned, eyes lost somewhere as he recalled the process.

"Guess you really did get along," she snorted, and thought to herself.

"Knockin' someone up don't necessarily mean you get along. Things went downhill from there..." he suggested, and waved it off with his hand.

There was something in the tone of his voice that signaled to her that he no longer wanted to speak on it anymore, and though she almost wanted to ask, with her newfound melancholy she had learned to respect Joel's silences more. Yet, there was something in the air that produced a feeling of nostalgia in her gut.

"I liked someone a lot, once..." she recalled, and Joel instantly snapped from his thoughts to look over at her, and slowly processed her words.

"Is that right?" he asked as calmly as he could, but tried his best to hide his absolute thrill that she had finally opened up.

"Yeah...I um...I think it was love..." she trailed off, and almost smiled to herself.

"Love?" Joel asked, not mocking her, but shocked.

"Mhmm. Not so much from attraction...just that...they were the only one who really understood me..." she trailed off, but her happiness was short-lived, and she slowly turned away from him.

"Oh..."

The words stabbed Joel through the heart.

_I... understand you. I mean... I want to... at least._

Joel had failed her terribly. After all this effort, he'd gone and brought up the past, and made her distant again. There was nothing he hated more than the unknown, and as badly as he wanted to shake her and demand that she tell him what she felt...to tell him the whole story so that he could make sure he never brought it up to hurt her again, he let her be.

"...you, uh...goin' back to sleep, Ellie?" he called softly, unsure why he felt the need to extend a figurative branch for her to grab.

The silence between them was loud.

_Is she distracted or just ignoring me?_

Either one of those bothered him, though he was not sure which one bothered him most.

"...Ellie?" he called a more softly and slightly more annoyed, but the absolute hurt was evident in his voice. It was soft, innocent, and genuine, and she heard it cut through her being. There was something humbling in the way he pled for her as a beggar, and with her back to him she almost would not have noticed, but it had moved her to silent tears and brought her back to reality.

"...What?" she asked, very distantly over her shoulder.

_Please forgive me, Joel. I know this is hard for you._

"I...I asked if you were goin' back to sleep, kiddo..." he restated, careful to be as gentle as possible.

"Yeah..." she finally replied, and pursed her lips and eyes together as sobs silently rocked her being. Joel was so gentle and so caring...he'd tried so long to pretend he wasn't, and now that he was fully available for her, she could not find the strength to accept it.

Joel's face twisted in terror as he noticed her agony, and hovered his hand over her shoulder, but stopped just inches before he could make contact. The fear he had of rejection and making her uncomfortable further prevented him from soothing her pain, as per usual lately.

_Baby...please don't cry anymore._

He turned away from her in silence, and monitored her movement and breathing closely, until he noted that her crying had stopped and her breathing had slowed.

They had to make it to the Fireflies, and soon...he needed to give her a reason to live again. That sick bastard had taken it away from her weeks ago, only to leave Joel with the pieces.


	8. Jackson

It was the first night they had slept alone in months. Ironically enough, Joel missed her presence next to him more than she did. The bed felt empty and cold without her there. Not to say she didn’t miss him too in her own bed, deep down…but, she was angry. So, completely angry.

She did not trust him anymore.

Ellie tried her best to fall asleep their first night in Jackson, but she knew it would be futile. The look in his eyes earlier…she had caught it.

**“I swear.”**

There was a confidence in his brow, and such a severity in his eyes. He did not even manage to blink. There was something passionate in his response, like he was committed to what he said. The only time she’d ever seen Joel passionate about something was when it threatened to be taken from him. That was when she realized it. The lie. She almost wanted to laugh, for a second, in doubt of her assumption. But when she held eye contact, and noticed him holding his breath, it really confirmed everything.

_He’s scared of me._

**“Okay.”**

It was a shame, too. Yeah, she was irate, and unable to adequately formulate an argument or accusation to get an answer from him. But, in that moment, she really felt it. She felt love. It hurt her to know she finally realized it when they’d hit their lowest point.

Rock bottom.

The end.

What was she going to do? She couldn’t run away…despite how angry she was, she knew she couldn't leave him. One, because he'd track her down like a dog and find her without a doubt. Two, because she could never find the strength to leave him. After all they’d done for one another…

But, shouldn't that inspire trust and loyalty, instead of a lie?

_Why are you such a fucking liar, Joel…_  
  
It stung all day. They got settled, made new connections, started a new life. She felt like stone inside, and she hadn't paid attention to anything all day. He’d noticed her distance, of course, but he didn’t press her. It was another sign that he’d done wrong. Normally, he’d demand to know what her problem was…it was clear he felt guilty about something.

But now, at night, alone with her thoughts, she was on fire. It burned and radiated through the room. She could literally feel the heat on her cheeks.

How would she get it out of him? Maybe she should wait, catch him in a moment of weakness at an opportune time. But, those were rare with Joel.

Or, maybe she should do it first thing, while the wound was fresh. He could see the hurt in her eyes, he would feel her pain…maybe it could conjure up some honesty.

But, did she really want to know why he’d lied?

Almost as though he could feel her distress, Ellie heard his footsteps outside her door, and then he paused. The hair on her arms tingled and stood on edge, and she clamped her eyes shut. _What’s he doing…why’s he just standing there outside? Please don’t come in, Joel…please…_

After a long moment of silence, she heard him swallow, and open the door. She pretended to be asleep, but she was not sure if he would notice. He stood in the doorway for much too long, in an agonizing silence. She felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest, as though it would betray her on its own.

He just…stood there.

90 seconds…then 120…

She kept counting in the hope that it would calm her down. Maybe he knew she was awake. Suddenly, she didn’t want any answers. She just wanted him to leave, just wanted some peace for all the hell they’d been through. In fact, she doesn't know what she wants exactly, but right now she knows she just can't be near him.

She can’t make up her mind with him so close. Something about him causes her to forget the anger for a second, and jumbles all her feelings. First it’s sickness, and then it’s fear, before it morphs into pure confusion. _Just leave me alone, please…please...I can’t be around you right now…_

As if he can read her, he audibly sighs in the doorframe. Though she can’t see him, she knows exactly what he looks like. One arm steadies him on the wooden frame, head hung low, and his body slumped like he’s got 50 pounds on his back. Then, of course, there’s the eyes. He face never says anything, but God…those eyes. There’s so much pain in them. She doesn't even want to imagine what they’ve seen, even less what he’s thinking behind them.

“I’m _sorry_ , kiddo…” he murmurs, almost completely inaudible. In fact, it’s so quiet she thinks she might have imagined it.

And then, with a another sigh, he closes the door gently and walks away.

Ellie opens her eyes, and feels hot tears stream down her face.

_I’m tired. I'm tired of you fucking with my emotions. I’m tired of not feeling like I can trust you. I'm tired of being confused about everything I thought I felt for you…I’m tired._

_I am so fucking tired, Joel. And I don’t know how to ever say that to you._

_What have you done?_

 


End file.
